tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62988273115705728272024-02-18T17:41:16.648-08:00Life with IntensityUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger56125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6298827311570572827.post-10571084345518372212015-07-24T11:20:00.000-07:002015-07-24T11:20:00.602-07:00{Book Review} Gifted, Bullied, Resilient: A Brief Guide for Smart Families by Pamela PriceChildren who are different are an easy target for bullying. A boy who is sensitive, a girl who is good at math, a girl with a physical impediment, or a boy with behavioral challenges - anything that sets a child apart from expected "norms" - these children become targets for teasing and worse.<br />
<br />
Gifted children are frequently targets, because they are so frequently different from their age-mates. They don't have the same interests, and they are avid and intense in their study of what does interest them. They are sensitive, emotionally intense, and don't fit in.<br />
<br />
I wish I could say that we haven't had any experience with bullying, but sadly that is not the case. The Kidlet was bullied by a teacher - one who should have understood the uniqueness of gifted children, but who was so frustrated by him that she resorted to publicly humiliating him, isolating him, and making sure that every adult at that school saw not a joyous, exuberant learner but a social misfit who needed to be corralled and controlled. He was sent home from school at least once a week, and spent much of his school hours sitting in the hall outside his classroom with only a dictionary to keep him occupied. As his parents we were accused of poor parenting, not being supportive of the school environment, and inhibiting his learning. Our suggestions went unheeded.<br />
<br />
He was in first grade.<br />
<br />
Our seven year old child - who had loved to learn, was an autodidact in all things math and science, reading, and social studies - shut down and refused to do anything. By the end of that school year, he was convinced that he was bad at math (the kid who taught himself algebra in kindergarten!), and that writing was painful and hopeless. He was no longer happy and carefree - he had become anxious, socially withdrawn, and awkward. It took five years and the freedom of homeschooling to bring back his love of learning. It took finishing calculus by the age of 14 and discovering what his age-mates were doing in math to realize for himself the truth in what we'd been saying to him all along - that he is <b>really</b> good at math. Nine years later, we're still working on making writing an activity that is not characterized by a PTSD-like, anxiety-ridden response.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><a href="http://giftedhomeschoolers.org/gifted-bullied-resilient-a-brief-guide-for-smart-families/" target="_blank"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpCf1RZslbzRPR1DS3JBRjW98TJ7-ZOmLmKykqwx-CMskXp0RKkg2NeF_xj5BLApfnuepFEBXKzrljNZrBJpQUBWbcTgzfkJam7yQCqOS8-EJHI54E1ya5cUjsoayx9NyowVORPFv9b9g/s320/GBR.jpg" width="215" /></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://giftedhomeschoolers.org/gifted-bullied-resilient-a-brief-guide-for-smart-families/" target="_blank"><br /></a></td></tr>
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I wish I'd had Pamela Price's new book, <i>Gifted, Bullied, Resilient: A Brief Guide for Smart Families,</i> back then. Price has woven personal stories, in-depth research, and helpful tools together in this short and beautifully-written guidebook. She addresses the gifted kids being bullied, when the gifted child is the bully, adult-on-child bullying, and special circumstances of dealing with bullying and twice-exceptional children. She focuses on how you - the parent, teacher, or other adult - can help (hint: resilience is in the title!), and shines hope into what can feel like a hopeless situation. She provides links to resources - most of them free - for educators, administrators, and parents to help in the classroom or in social situations where bullying is occurring.<br />
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I wish we'd had this book back then, because it would have given me a framework in which to address the situation and to help my child build resilience and self-assurance in the midst of it all. But I'm so glad that Price has written this book, and that parents have access to it now. Buy it. Read it.<br />
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<i>(I should note that Pamela Price is a personal friend of mine, and that I did receive a free copy of this book for review purposes. But I also bought a copy of my own - because it's THAT GOOD!)</i>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6298827311570572827.post-53967233430715372922015-04-01T16:06:00.000-07:002015-04-01T16:06:54.508-07:00What I'm Saying... When I say that my child is gifted, it is not a value judgment. I'm stating a fact about the way he is wired, that's all. <br />
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Too many people still see this word as a measure of value. All children are valuable. All children are gifts and have gifts. But not all children are gifted. That would be impossible: in order to have above-average intellects, you must have average and below-average intellects- that's the way of the bell curve. I am certainly not saying that he is perfect. I am certainly not saying that he is a great student. I'm not even saying that he can do everything that other kids his age can do.<br />
<br />
What I am saying is that he is a voracious learner, and needs a pace that is about 7x faster than the average classroom. In many cases, you don't even <br />
have to finish your sentence and he'll pick up what you started.<br />
<br />
What I am saying is that he is asynchronous - he's AMAZING at math and science (and grammar), but struggles to express his ideas in writing.<br />
<br />
What I am saying is that he thinks about things in a way that is far beyond his age and maturity, but he struggles with those thoughts because they are beyond the capacity of his lagging emotional maturity.<br />
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What I am saying is that he has a profound capacity for empathy, but you'll likely never see it like I do, because it overwhelms him.<br />
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What I am saying is that he is wired to experience the world with an intensity that is exhausting, overwhelming, and like nothing most of us can imagine.<br />
<br />
Speaking of imagining, what I am saying is that he's got the kind of imagination that could solve huge global problems like hunger, disease, or the Middle East; or maybe will get stuck on the problem of what to have for lunch.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6298827311570572827.post-41321292107384489952015-02-01T13:55:00.000-08:002015-02-01T14:38:00.047-08:00What the Super Bowl Can Teach Us about HomeschoolingToday is Super Bowl XLIX, when the Seattle Seahawks defend their National Champions title against the New England Patriots. Yes, this is a post about football. But it's also a post about <b>finding your groove.</b><br />
<br />
When Pete Carroll was hired to coach the Seahawks out of USC in 2010, there were detractors who said he couldn't make it in the NFL as a coach. He'd been fired from the Patriots before, and hadn't had much success on this level. Lots of success with USC, though, and Seattle was happy to have him.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Recruiting class of 2012... in their second Super Bowl in a row.</td></tr>
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The first couple of seasons with the Seahawks were tough, as Carroll began implementing his plan, but the mostly-losing team began to win a few games, and that was encouragement enough. But they needed a quarterback. Badly. So in 2012, Carroll drafted Russell Wilson in the 3rd round out of Wisconsin. The <a href="http://pete%20carroll%20is%20proving%20why%20he%20didn%E2%80%99t%20make%20it%20in%20the%20nfl%20the%20first%20time.%20not%20only%20was%20bruce%20irvin%20a%20reach%20at%20no.%2015%2C%20the%20seahawks%20proved%20they%20were%20oblivious%20to%20their%20madness%20by%20celebrating%20their%20selection.%20as%20if%20the%20day%20wasn%E2%80%99t%20bad%20enough%2C%20seattle%20selecting%20russell%20wilson%2C%20a%20qb%20that%20doesn%E2%80%99t%20fit%20their%20offense%20at%20all%2C%20was%20by%20far%20the%20worst%20move%20of%20the%20draft.%20with%20the%20two%20worst%20moves%20of%20the%20draft%2C%20seattle%20is%20the%20only%20team%20that%20received%20an%20f%20on%20draft%20day./" target="_blank">media went crazy</a>, giving the Seahawks an "F" on draft day for a class that included now-starters Wilson, Bruce Irvin, and Bobby Wagner. And I quote:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Pete Carroll is proving why he didn’t make it in the NFL the first time. Not only was Bruce Irvin a reach at No. 15, the Seahawks proved they were oblivious to their madness by celebrating their selection. As if the day wasn’t bad enough, Seattle selecting Russell Wilson, a QB that doesn’t fit their offense at all, was by far the worst move of the draft. With the two worst moves of the draft, Seattle is the only team that received an F on draft day.</blockquote>
Today, the class of 2012 (including Jermaine Kearse - 2014 NFC Championship winning touchdown scorer, who wasn't even drafted but came out of University of Washington that year) is going to their second Super Bowl in a row. All thanks to their coach.<br />
<br />
Now, I'm a big football fan, but I'm not one of those people who studies all the coaching moves and such. But the thing I keep hearing from the Seattle Seahawks themselves is that they love working for Carroll because <b>he lets them work their strengths.</b> He doesn't try to mold them to his system, but he allows each player to play his own game, for the good of them all. He coaches them to be family, brothers, united for a single goal. And he lets them be the professionals they are. He works them hard, doesn't allow them to let up on areas that are not as strong. If there is one thing to which you could put down the success of this team, it is this: <b>Carroll allows each player to find his groove. </b><br />
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It's working. <br />
<br />
And this is what I loved about homeschooling - instead of trying to force my son to fit a system that wasn't working for him, we were able to allow him to <b>work his strengths </b>as we supported the areas that needed growth. We could do this by being creative with curriculum - in his strengths we just gave him the opportunities and let him fly; but in his weaker areas, we were able to create assignments that would blend into his interests and give him the opportunity to learn and grow. He also had opportunities to learn life skills that he couldn't at school - doing laundry, cooking, and cleaning. And he was able to "be socialized" (if that's even a thing) in a way that was appropriate for his learning and ability - with people of all ages.<br />
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Whatever the result of Super Bowl XLIX, Pete Carroll and the Seahawks have done something amazing these last few years (and Seattle fans hope for many more to come!).<br />
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And whatever my child decides to do in the future, I know that homeschooling him has helped him get there. It has given us the opportunity to allow him to fly in his strength areas, while being supported in his weaker areas.<br />
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#GoHawksUnknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6298827311570572827.post-51761836893964161072014-11-21T16:18:00.001-08:002014-11-21T16:19:37.423-08:00It Gets Better<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I seem to keep saying this to parents of younger gifted kids: It gets better.<br />
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When the Teenlet was younger I felt all alone, adrift in the midst of the chaos of a highly asynchronous, twice-exceptional, and drastically misunderstood child. We were all frustrated - he because he wasn't getting his learning needs met and didn't have any true peers, and dad and I because he was hard to parent. HARD to parent. The emotional outbursts, the anger and frustration over schoolwork, housework, even just asking him to pick up something he'd left on the floor was potentially a land mine. His anger went from 0 to 10 in a millisecond. At that time, he would describe his emotions as a smoldering volcano which was ready to blow at any moment, and uncontrollable.<br />
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All of that changed at about 12-1/2 years old. The combination of an excellent therapist and puberty kicking in has made such a huge difference in how we all function. Let me tell you about some of the most dramatic changes we've seen:<br />
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<br />
<ul>
<li><b>Growth. Physical growth. </b>My scraping-the-bottom-of-the-5th-percentile (height and weight) child, in one year, went from barely-5th to 50th percentile. That makes mom happy, doctors happy, and child happy not to be the teeny one any more. And he gets treated like the age that he <i>is</i>, not like a child. It doesn't quite make up for the intellectual difference between himself and his peers, but he's more welcomed into older groups because he doesn't look like a 3rd grader.</li>
<li><b>He can tolerate boredom better now. </b>WOAH! Boredom has been his worst enemy throughout his childhood - causing classroom troubles, home boil-overs, and friendship disasters. This makes such a huge difference in how he can engage with others in every aspect of life. He can play with a friend doing something that isn't his favorite, because he can tolerate being bored for the sake of his friend. He can sit in a classroom where he knows everything already and not make a scene or start distracting the other students. He has figured out how to entertain himself even when his usual entertainments are inaccessible. </li>
<li>Speaking of school, <b>he is (finally) getting straight As</b>. My non-performer is performing - <i>because he wants to</i>! Executive function skills have kicked in and he has been doing a fantastic job of doing his homework (without <i>any </i>prompting from me), and conscientiously following through on required tasks for school. This year he is taking two classes at a local public high school (Biology - so he can get a lab, but this is the class he knows more than the teacher does, because it's his specialty, and he's already taken AP Bio at home; and Freshman English for continued writing support), and three classes in a dual-enrollment program at <a href="http://digipen.edu/" target="_blank">DigiPen Institute of Technology</a>. I'm not homeschooling any longer because I don't need to. He's doing it all himself. </li>
<li>I figure we got through the terrible teens when he was ten - at that age he was pushing all the intellectual and physical boundaries he could at the same time he was emotionally quite infantile. <b>We are seeing nothing in the teens that we haven't already dealt with,</b> and because we've been consistent from day one in how we deal with things, he already knows the boundaries. I'm not suggesting that we're not in for a testosterone-driven ride as he hits older adolescence, but so far the consistency of our parenting has carried us through the few little rough patches that we've hit in the past 2-1/2 years. He's been challenging his parents' beliefs since he was 8, so he doesn't have a lot more to do there, and emotionally he's been far more stable as a teenager than he ever was as a child. If the job of the adolescent is to figure out who they are apart from their parents, he's been doing that for a while. </li>
<li>He's learning to be <b>self-assertive</b>. One of his biggest challenges has always been to communicate to non-parent adults (or even parental adults when he's in a state of overwhelm) what he needs. The ability to say to a teacher, "I need some quiet space" or, "I don't know when this assignment is due" has been, until just this year, elusive. But this year he is doing all the communicating with his teachers, and I hardly have to be involved at all. He is able to advocate for himself when it's needed, and reliably follows through on homework, passing information to his teachers and coaches as it's needed, and is basically functioning as his own person. We're still here for him if he needs us, but he hasn't needed us to advocate for him at all in the past year. </li>
<li>Because we were able to homeschool for some of his crucial pre-teen years, <b>he has learned some adult responsibility and survival skills</b>. He does his own laundry (has done for 3-4 years), packs his own lunches, or makes them if he's home at lunch time, he gets himself up, dressed, and fed. He feeds the cat every day. He is helpful around the house when he notices something is needed (taking the garbage out without being asked, carrying in groceries from the car, etc.). </li>
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The Teenlet turns 15 in less than a month, and to quote someone who knows him well, "He's not that little kid who is so much smarter than everyone else any more. He's 15 - he's <i>there</i>!" </div>
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He's not perfect - nor is our relationship. <b>But I really like the relationship we have now. </b></div>
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So this is my word to all the parents of younger kids who are going through hell right now: i<b>t gets better. </b>I never thought we'd get here, but I always hoped we would by the time he turned 30. He's only half that, and I'm so proud of the young man he has become and is becoming. </div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6298827311570572827.post-63969718393082395772014-10-20T07:50:00.000-07:002014-10-20T07:50:00.094-07:00Gifted Kids Become Gifted AdultsWhen a gifted kid grows up, they are still gifted.<br />
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That means we have a lot of gifted adults out there - parents, grandparents, young adults, elderly adults. And while we may learn to cope with our over-excitabilities, they don't go away. And I'm pretty convinced that asynchrony doesn't ever fully even out, either (see the former sentence).<br />
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I, like my son, have all five OEs. Very strongly. And I am a multipotentialite, which means I am gifted in many ways. I have said to people, "I'm good at many things, but great at nothing." Over the years, I've also told people that I'm a generalist, rather than a specialist, though as I get older I find that I do have some areas of preference to which I naturally migrate.<br />
<br />
With my own OEs, I find that I continually have to monitor how I am coping. I get overwhelmed easily with a lot of sensory input, so I must manage my environment. I love learning new things, so I tend to jump from interest to interest quickly, making the work of completing tasks and staying engaged a challenge. Movement is my friend, helping me think more clearly and stay focused. My imagination has morphed from childhood fantasies to turning my interpretation of events into a reality of its own, which isn't a healthy response, so I try to adjust my imagination to more positive uses.<br />
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And then there is emotional OE. After all these years, you'd think I would learn. But yet, here I am, still emotional as anything. I can't go to a funeral without crying, even if I never knew the deceased - the weight of everyone's emotions in the room gets overwhelming. I have to intentionally tone down the reactive nature of my emotional OE, but if someone catches me off guard, it slips. It's all or nothing with me emotionally, it seems, though I work hard to keep it all balanced and in check.<br />
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And, as I mentioned before. I'm pretty sure that my own asynchrony - though far better than it was as a child - is still a factor. There are times I can see myself responding like a four year old and can't stop it. Most of the time, it's an internal-only reaction (that's the adult part), but I mess up regularly enough to keep me humble. There are times when my hands - so adept and quick at certain tasks like typing or playing the piano - feel like they are fumbling along completely inept at simple things like using scissors or a needle. I'm still a child in an adult body.<br />
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People ask me how I can understand my son so well. The reason is because I recognize what is going on with him, because it would be the same for me. It still <i>is</i> the same for me, though I have more control over my environment and how I express what's going on inside of me.<br />
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I might have grown up, but I'm still gifted.<br />
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***<br />
This post is part of a blog hop hosted by the Gifted Homeschoolers Forum. To read more great blogs on this topic, see hop on over to the <a href="http://giftedhomeschoolers.org/blog-hops/gifted-grown-ups/" target="_blank">link here</a>.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6298827311570572827.post-65635147996832225362014-10-15T15:35:00.000-07:002014-10-15T15:35:38.983-07:00God and GiftednessIf my small little cohort of connections in the gifted world is any indication, God is a sticky subject among gifted people. Perhaps it is such a sticky subject in the general population as well, but it seems like it's more so in the gifted world, because faith is aggressively rejected by many gifted people, under the guise of intellectualism.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Stained Glass Cross at Cedar Hills Baptist Church, Portland, OR. <br />Photo by me.</td></tr>
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As a Christian pastor, this is troubling to me. I understand the objections; in fact, I've had almost all of them myself. I've read atheist books and materials. And I have spoken to many, many people who self-identify as atheist or agnostic, who recite objections about the religious treatment of science and/or the idea of believing in something as implausible and invisible as God, the hypocrisy of the Church, or the countless abuses committed in the name of religion.<br />
<br />
I get it. I really do. I completely understand the thought process that could lead someone to believe that religion is a psychological trick to make oneself feel better. I've had that thought, more times than I can count. Marx was the one who called religion the "opiate of the masses," and the charge that religious leaders exert control through emotionalism and tyranny is of course one that must be taken seriously.<br />
<br />
It is this idea - that God is a ridiculous, made-up, fiction - that is rampant among the gifted population. Smart people just don't believe in impossible ideas, right? If it's not provable through science, it's not worth the time. I've had my intelligence questioned because I believe - and I'm not the only one. But I will be honest with you - I can't <i>not believe</i>.<br />
<br />
Like many gifted kids, the Teenlet began questioning his parents' beliefs earlier than most, when he was about 7 or 8. We were faced with these big questions about the existence of God as a very young person. He asserted that he was having trouble believing in something he couldn't see. I asked him if he believed in gravity. He, being the physics fan that he is, said, "of course, but that's because I can see the effect that gravity has on everything."<br />
<br />
I asked him, then, what he would see if he didn't know anything about gravity. He would see things fall, but he wouldn't know why. He would probably think it's just the way things are. He wouldn't identify it as gravity if he didn't know about the force that pulls everything to the Earth's core. I said, it's the same with God - I see God actively engaging with me and the world every day, but that's because I'm looking, and I can identify it when I see it. I can see the effect of God on everything. But if I don't know it is from God, I might assume that it's coincidence, or an accident, or just the way things are. But when I'm looking, I see it.<br />
<br />
And that's why I have to believe.<br />
<br />
I am frustrated by many of the same questions that others are frustrated by. But in the end, God is bigger than all of that. In the face of all the questions, the challenges, and the struggles in my faith, I cannot ignore my real experience of God - in miracles (though I have no answers to why miracles happen for some and not for others), visions, nature, dreams, and discernment/guidance that comes from outside myself. God may be invisible, but God's work is not. In those moments when I want to throw up my hands and give in to the questions, I am reminded of what I have seen God do. And I believe.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6298827311570572827.post-62073690581278304582014-07-21T07:00:00.000-07:002014-07-21T17:30:20.331-07:00If I Was Your Parent..."If I was [<i>sic</i>] your parent, I would (or wouldn't)..."<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCjCl7DvhUNB6a-bD_iWYFhXnBWtzjqH2KFbdHoQVQwIxGPRbTYQfF15qhi0hE2Ao3PFhUE7x9jDvAcEFi0cVPO80L3WKsyROu80jVsQlVk6GahknQgDJFIBMeunD5aZlo7EKqzG0f7Fs/s1600/DSCN0372.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCjCl7DvhUNB6a-bD_iWYFhXnBWtzjqH2KFbdHoQVQwIxGPRbTYQfF15qhi0hE2Ao3PFhUE7x9jDvAcEFi0cVPO80L3WKsyROu80jVsQlVk6GahknQgDJFIBMeunD5aZlo7EKqzG0f7Fs/s1600/DSCN0372.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Agra Fort, Agra, Uttar Pradesh, India</td></tr>
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<br />
<br />
How many times, as the parent of an outlier, have I heard another parent say this to my child? Or to me, in reference to my child and the "obvious" errors in my parenting.<br />
<br />
Countless.<br />
<br />
And most of the time they have an excellent point, but their point doesn't hit any mark that is on our target.<br />
<br />
The most recent experience of this was with a good friend, one with whom the Teenlet loves talking about math. You see, as he was taking calculus, so was she - so they talked about theorems and about problems they were encountering. She would challenge his assumptions, and he would then prove and re-prove them (backwards!) for her. She is an adult. He is 14.<br />
<br />
One day, as they were having yet another wonderful conversation, she asked him if he ever talked to his friends about calculus. His response, "none of my friends have taken calculus."<br />
<br />
She was horrified. Here is this child who can't talk to his friends about his interests! How horrible!<br />
<br />
I wanted to say, "welcome to the life of a PG child." But I didn't.<br />
<br />
She responded to him, "If I was your mother, I would make sure you were around people with whom you could talk math."<br />
<br />
(Again, me thinking, "why do you think I bring him here?" But again, I didn't say it out loud.)<br />
<br />
She then started pressing me on where I could find groups of math-loving people, but soon she saw the problem. The classes for children and teenagers are so far behind him, they have nothing to offer him (even those that are intended for gifted learners). The places where math is discussed at the level he needs to discuss it are mostly in contexts that are inappropriate for a 14 year old with social anxiety.<br />
<br />
So he talks about math at home with dad, and with our dear friend, and every so often he finds a sympathetic ear who will listen, even if they can't understand.<br />
<br />
I am so grateful for those other adults who have given the Teenlet and outlet to talk about what is interesting to him. For the doctor who listened intently as the Teenlet told him about the Schrodinger's Cat thought experiment. For the youth leader who listens and asks questions. For the rock hound and the fireworks enthusiast who taught him to share their passions.<br />
<br />
Peers are important for everyone. But for the gifted outlier, the term "peer" doesn't describe a single age group or demographic. And they are very, very hard to find. <br />
<br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">This post is part of the SENG National Parenting Gifted Children Week blog tour. You can find more fantastic posts </span></i><a href="http://www.sengifted.org/programs/national-parenting-gifted-children-week" target="_blank"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">here</span></i></a><br />
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<a href="http://www.sengifted.org/programs/national-parenting-gifted-children-week" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjivQsz5khnAWYinFnr1k6_WoZIUJJBn-ZVIUXY4rnzrVCf6Iv4T1Sn5PWrU02q7pMSGjVTcrwyq_VmgK14RripQasNHtonkI6JqW3rkaVQDRGu7RM1N9S11ICzu2LwI9V4YHm3Q8QlLQU/s1600/NPGC2014.jpg" height="237" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6298827311570572827.post-67469334914916989932014-07-07T17:11:00.001-07:002014-07-07T17:11:12.646-07:00Why I Don't Read Parenting Books*<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">*anymore</span></i><br />
<br />
I used to read parenting books. I don't any longer.<br />
<br />
Don't get me wrong. I read. A lot. Reading is my "go to," when everything else fails. I love reading, so it was natural that when I was pregnant, I read everything I could get my hands on about pregnancy and babies. It's the way I handle a new challenge that I don't feel up to - I read to gain understanding, tools, and to discover ideas. When my son was a toddler, I had books on every topic imaginable. Even in preschool and early elementary, I was still in thrall to all the Parenting Gurus out there. I just knew that someone could help us figure this thing out. I wanted a parenting manual, and I looked everywhere for it.<br />
<br />
But I didn't recognize my child in any of the children described in those books. Where was this child who, when given the appropriate consequence, responds with corrected behavior? Why didn't the "cry it out" method OR the "cuddle him to sleep" method work? Attachment parenting? Who are we kidding - this kid was far too interested what is OUT THERE to want to be attached back here. The formulas, so clearly elucidated in each book, didn't work for us. Ever. With one exception, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's, <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Rev-ebook/dp/B001TJ2YBY/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1404775456&sr=1-2&keywords=kurcinka" target="_blank">Raising Your Spirited Child</a></i>. That one nailed him. And me.<br />
<br />
One day, a friend of mine with a wonderful child who happens to be on the autism spectrum, said to me, "I bought a normal parenting book for the first time in years." And that's when it hit me - normal parenting doesn't work for non-normal children. They might have wonderful ideas and reliable tips and tools - but they aren't meant for a child who is so asynchronous that we're dealing with four stages at once. I can't imagine talking to my child the way some of the books I read suggested. When he was 4 years old, he didn't need to be told about sugar-bugs on his teeth; he already knew about cavities. But launching into the full story of what it's like to lose your teeth isn't right, either - the emotional side of him couldn't take it.<br />
<br />
Recently, I picked up a much-lauded book on teenagerdom. I was excited to read it and find out more about what is going on in my son's body and brain. I was, once again, disappointed. Those things it said about how he is in this process of sculpting his own individuality - he's already light years ahead. He's been separating from his parents (us) intellectually since he was 7, even though - at 14 - he's still emotionally connected to us like he's 8. And reading it made me incredibly sad - hearing how all those "normal" high school activities and behaviors affect how his brain is reconnecting neurologically; and yet he won't have most of those activities or behaviors because of his unique wiring. The book talked about the goal of separation - going away to college to learn to be on his own. Well, he's going to college at 14, so he won't be going far. That transition will have to happen in another way. Again, it doesn't fit. I closed the book.<br />
<br />
I do still read many books on giftedness; books on the unique challenges and wonders these children present us as parents. And these books fit... better. They aren't perfect, because every child is so unique, and the Teenlet's uniqueness is a brand I haven't seen anywhere except in small circles of amazingly exceptional children. But I can take the ideas these books present and adapt them to our individual circumstances; sucking the marrow from the bone in order to understand my child better. And from understanding comes better parenting.<br />
<br />
So this is the bottom line for me: <b>does what I read lead me to understand <i>him </i>better?</b> Because, with understanding comes making good parenting decisions. I can't push him to do something for which he isn't ready; but I can push him to stretch himself to take that next step - understanding him means being able to see that fine line (or at least guess where it is... approximately).<br />
<br />
And as I learn about my child, I learn about myself as well.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><a href="http://giftedhomeschoolers.org/blog-hops/gifted-parenting/" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnJLPu82d8DAJ2HpudCLy8b2bpSrcgD_k1rtDH2DIXczExVTMuTU3oMXy91vCMQbe1j8pi91QgTAsyaLQvSgn5Sq2t5oFTfWxcjGkcHZwMx11h44SuGFjXOqGf9D7ujFO-zB6VDLXGISY/s1600/10525723_10152524393023684_8630630007441277402_n.jpg" height="320" width="256" /></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://giftedhomeschoolers.org/blog-hops/gifted-parenting/" target="_blank">This post is part of a blog hop on Gifted Parenting, hosted by the Gifted Homeschoolers Forum. Find other amazing posts here.</a></td></tr>
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<br />
<br />
Mona's recommended books on giftedness:<br />
<br />
<i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intensity-Gifted-Students-Explosive/dp/1593634900/ref=pd_sim_b_4?ie=UTF8&refRID=1MB3PEBN2QH81C5A6S1K" target="_blank">Emotional Intensity in Gifted Students</a></i>, by Christine Fonseca<br />
<i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0898243807/ref=s9_cxhsh_co_g14_i3?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=left-1&pf_rd_r=0S5ARKN4GJ9QDXG7N3Y4&pf_rd_t=3201&pf_rd_p=1774864282&pf_rd_i=typ01" target="_blank">Off the Charts</a></i>, by Neville, Piechowski, & Tolan<br />
<i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Giftedness-101-Psych-Linda-Silverman/dp/0826107974/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1404777680&sr=1-1&keywords=giftedness+101" target="_blank">Giftedness 101</a></i>, by Linda Kreger Silverman<br />
<i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Living-Intensity-Understanding-Sensitivity-Excitability/dp/0910707898/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1404777705&sr=1-2&keywords=life+with+intensity" target="_blank">Living with Intensity</a></i>, by Susan Daniels & Michael Piechowski<br />
<i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/This-Gift-Send-Back-Homeschooling-ebook/dp/B008SHPN5O/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1404777653&sr=1-1&keywords=if+this+is+a+gift+can+i+send+it+back" target="_blank">If This is a Gift, Can I Send it Back?</a> </i>by Jen Merrill<br />
<i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Misdiagnosis-Diagnoses-Gifted-Children-Adults-ebook/dp/B008RQA6S0/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1404777365&sr=1-6&keywords=gifted" target="_blank">Misdiagnosis & Dual Diagnosis of Gifted Children and Adults</a></i>, by Olenchak, Goerss, Beljan, Webb, Webb, and Amend<br />
<i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Gifted-James-Delisle-Ph-D-ebook/dp/B00452V5B2/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1404777501&sr=1-3&keywords=gifted+children" target="_blank">Parenting Gifted Kids</a></i>, by Jim Delisle<br />
<i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Parents-Guide-Gifted-Children/dp/0910707529/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1404777545&sr=1-5&keywords=gifted+children" target="_blank">A Parent's Guide to Gifted Children</a></i>, by Webb, Gore, Amend, and DeVriesUnknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6298827311570572827.post-54244244681784520362014-06-17T12:00:00.000-07:002014-06-17T12:00:04.308-07:00Excelling in School Isn't Always the Best Goal<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A lot of people assume that, if my child is gifted, he gets good grades. I'm here to tell you, that isn't the case. Some gifted students do get good grades, and they work hard for them. That's great. But that comes from an internal motivation to please others that is distinct from the motivation to learn. My child loves to learn, but <b>he learns for himself instead of for others</b>. <br /><br />"Excelling" in school looks different for (some) gifted learners, and I'm not sure that difference is one we want to encourage.<br /></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9HicCvZiS8n5uiWIJTO1zpnGCGtwxmm10AedGcocP0xEL_UiH5zNUHErhjrgGSZiG4ctYffuSgiZMmRV67R81xfqA3X5RM2VDoxbNu7l4dYSddppeqyKTTPPV3q6SnQzjbofDkpwPo0k/s1600/red-apple-fruit-wallpaper.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9HicCvZiS8n5uiWIJTO1zpnGCGtwxmm10AedGcocP0xEL_UiH5zNUHErhjrgGSZiG4ctYffuSgiZMmRV67R81xfqA3X5RM2VDoxbNu7l4dYSddppeqyKTTPPV3q6SnQzjbofDkpwPo0k/s1600/red-apple-fruit-wallpaper.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="text-align: start;"><i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">photo credit inwallspeakers </span></i></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><br /><b><i>What it would have looked like <u>for us</u>:</i></b><br /><br /><b>A student who dumbed himself down, in order to keep pace with the class.</b> I'm not saying that the rest of the class is dumb, but I am saying that my son has a very different pace of learning than most students. The statistics say that most learners require 7-9 repetitions before they learn something new. A gifted learner usually needs 1-3 repetitions, and I joke that my profoundly gifted student needs about 0.75 repetitions. Yes, not even a full one. He usually finishes the teacher's thought and makes about five different leaps by the time the teaching point is fully developed. In 5th grade, when he was finally set free to do math at his own pace, he raced through 6-8 grade math in a month, then pre-algebra, algebra 1, and geometry in 9 months. That's 6 years' worth of math in the equivalent of one school year. <br /><br /><b>A student who may get straight As, but isn't learning.</b> We have seen so many examples of this through the years - the student who "performs" well, but for whom learning is done in the off-hours, or not at all. This was me in school, also. I had nearly straight As through high school, but most of the work was done in the class after or the class before. I never studied for tests until the class prior to the test, which tells me that I wasn't paying much attention in that class, either. But still, As in all of my honors, College Prep, and Advanced Placement classes. But is that what we want? Every student deserves to learn, but I don't consider treading water to be learning. I see it in the Teenlet even in our homeschool curriculum - we do not pressure him (much) about grades, but we do expect a level of excellence in his comprehension. If he takes a test and gets a B or C, it really doesn't matter much to us because he can explain the concepts to us, which is far more difficult than taking a test. (I realize that eventually, he will have to learn to be careful on tests so he doesn't make so many "silly" mistakes, but that will come as he is exposed to more and more external learning sources.)<br /><br /><b>A student whose passions get lost, because none of his "peers" are interested in the same things.</b> I think this is the most discouraging thing about the push to excel "in school" - the loss of passion. We still have administrators who tell us the Teenlet shouldn't be allowed to participate in college-level courses because he is "too young" and he will be with students who are so much older than he is. Yes, this could be a problem. But these students have something in common with the Teenlet - an interest, a passion, a way of looking at the world - and they have the intellectual ability to connect with him over those interests, in a way that very few other 8th graders can. For his whole life, the Teenlet has preferred to discuss his ideas with adults than with kids his own age. I've watched him, time and again, playing with classmates or same-age friends, start engaging his creative imagination only to have the other kids walk away because they can't go there with him. Even some adults respond to him with, "I can't talk to you because you're too smart for me." It's really tragic to see a child's world shrink so much that they lose interest in their passions because there is nobody else with whom they can share them. Pushing a child to "excel in school" can stifle the creative imagination. <br /><br /><br />Is that what we want for our gifted learners?<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1hJbxvFLKkarjhQFMABNNo9og3GuzTJE3tomFSjb6mhh_xeOP3sFd4WPIDcM1MghFLFgMt-_4_7v2HYKMeJ4lYQ0uuiZowBXse3a4xD9W_GDkU9DpZuCwLLkKLvlYXz-viQy28VVvsuo/s1600/blogtour2.png"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1hJbxvFLKkarjhQFMABNNo9og3GuzTJE3tomFSjb6mhh_xeOP3sFd4WPIDcM1MghFLFgMt-_4_7v2HYKMeJ4lYQ0uuiZowBXse3a4xD9W_GDkU9DpZuCwLLkKLvlYXz-viQy28VVvsuo/s1600/blogtour2.png" /></a><br /><br />This post is presented as part of the New Zealand Gifted Awareness Week's blog tour. Find other intriguing posts <a href="http://ultranet.giftededucation.org.nz/WebSpace/1104/">here</a>.</span>
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<br />
From earliest years in preschool, when we had to decide whether to keep him back to help his maturity (we didn't, and it turns out it wouldn't have helped if we had), to changing schools every year until third grade, to fighting the school district for services, to the incessant "he's too young for..." that makes me want to poke my eyes out - we haven't had a single year that was simple, when we didn't feel like we were being blocked from accessing programs or services that could have helped him gain the skills he needs or the academic challenge to keep him engaged.<br />
<br />
Now, at 14, the challenges haven't stopped. We no longer have the option of rapid acceleration of "regular" subjects. Up to this point, we've been letting him go - at his own pace, piecing together educational experiences from various places in order to create some semblance of a well-rounded education. But we can't do that any longer. He's topped out that which we can option for him. So again, we are piecing together and making our arguments that age shouldn't limit options - for him or anyone else.<br />
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I always thought that if I had the documentation to back up my claims, it would be enough. But so far, this isn't proving to be true. The SAT scores don't matter. The <a href="http://coursera.org/" target="_blank">Coursera </a>certificates "with distinction" don't matter. The current course load doesn't matter. Even the entrance exam, passed with flying colors, doesn't matter. All they see is the age.<br />
<br />
All we want is to see our son keep learning, and loving it.<br />
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There are options, sure. Some of them might work for him, some definitely will not. If I wasn't concerned that complete mental laziness could set in, I would suggest he spend the next year doing Coursera courses that sound fun to him (read: science). But he does need to keep moving forward in his writing (which he hates), and math (which he's very good at, but he says he hates). Colleges like to see full math load for four years of high school, but I have no idea what that looks like for him since he's completing calculus in "8th grade." The community colleges around here tend to be a bit constrained by rules, and the school district hasn't proven to be much help in overcoming them. He's not yet ready for full college entrance.<br />
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But this is a child that rises to the occasion with consistency. He matures when he's forced to do so. He figures out how to get the work done when there is no other option. Taking this next step will be another occasion for rising to - but he has to be given the opportunity first.<br /><br />It's my job to make sure that happens. Let's hope <i>I'm</i> up to it.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6298827311570572827.post-47110576318807532092014-03-17T07:00:00.000-07:002014-03-17T07:00:02.223-07:00Adolescence: A New World<div dir="ltr">
Parenting an adolescent has a bad rap. For every parent who loves this stage of growing independence, raging hormones, and intense emotions, there are 10, maybe 100 or 1,000, who want to run and hide. Add to typical adolescence the challenges associated with gifted intensity and twice-exceptionality, and you have a dangerously challenging mix, right?<br />
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Contrary to how the rest of parenting has been for us, adolescence has been kind in our household. Yeah, we have some eye rolling and a little 'tude every so often, but overall the teenage years have so far proven to be more pleasant than any other stage we've been through as parents.<br />
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I'm sure there are multiple reasons for this, but I believe there are two main reasons why this stage is so much easier than earlier ones. First, we have been fighting the adolescent battles for many more years than he's been a teenager. Second, those raging hormones have fast-tracked the maturity that has been dragging behind - way behind - in earlier stages. <br />
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Let's take the teenage battles first. Teenagers are known for emotional outbursts that rival the "terrible twos," and frustrating parents by making irrational decisions. The Teenlet's special mix of high IQ, hair trigger emotions, over-excitabilities, and immaturity that has complicated every aspect of our lives, have given us a 14 year history of "doing the teens" already. We've fought many of the battles we've watched other parents of teens fight, but we did it when our son was 5, 6, or 7, when the consequences of poor decisions were difficult, but not life-changing. He knows we are his parents, he knows we mean business, and though he has us pushing him towards independence almost more than he is yet striving for it, he knows that we are there supporting him but he will always have to face the consequences of his actions - good or bad. His decisions have become wiser, not perfect by a long shot, but he is learning responsibility and the freedom that comes with it. <br />
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Pair that growing wisdom with hormones that have shot his maturity through the proverbial roof (relatively), and it is fantastic to see this child, who has been wringing tears from my heart since he was in preschool, flourishing in ways I sometimes thought if I would never see. <br />
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I used to dread these years, thinking I couldn't imagine things getting worse, but that's all I had heard about adolescence - how challenging it is for parents (it's no cakewalk for teens, either). And we may still have that coming. But for now, I love seeing him grow into manhood - becoming independent, passionate about his interests, accepting challenges and stepping up to meet them. I love seeing him stretch his executive skills to work out his own system of organization, and watching him take responsibility when it falls apart and he has to try again. <br />
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It is, indeed, a new world. But it is the same one, too. <br />
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<a href="http://giftedhomeschoolers.org/blog-hops/homeschooling-parenting-gifted2e-kids-teens/" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhw7v5xXNkXZfslrAfS4TEJ-y8HsDS-0RpGs61wnP5_CnjOtNq75r0dTDaJtTgknxdXngK2_e9AgBNax8miAU97XU4EKWwC00yBxN0RrDZjnt0IbYdtITA1V84lQfuOtabvgLzL55wh3xc/s1600/1920542_10203375708379026_1132855879_n.jpg" height="320" width="236" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">This post is part of <a href="http://giftedhomeschoolers.org/blog-hops/homeschooling-parenting-gifted2e-kids-teens/" target="_blank">Gifted Homeschoolers Forum Blog Hop </a>on Homeschooling & Parenting Gifted and 2e Kids</span></i></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6298827311570572827.post-22761888081466375212014-01-17T10:16:00.000-08:002014-01-17T10:16:45.815-08:00Traveling with IntensityThe Teenlet and I are going on an adventure. This is a trip I've wanted to take my whole life, and the opportunity came up to do it, so we're going. We are going to India.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-l65XRuQKVciEZzB1aX6Q1_IAU7C23yMdoQ413bhvVaoQg4wRJu7AXojN-m3EoKmWyif7Ni4vj8-Ph5WDcIfn53RCH9qOv3Tsnds7TepEWTbepY2Yrw9vsxzN_6dfD2OxJha4BzLYdOQ/s1600/IMAG0858+(640x361)+(2).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-l65XRuQKVciEZzB1aX6Q1_IAU7C23yMdoQ413bhvVaoQg4wRJu7AXojN-m3EoKmWyif7Ni4vj8-Ph5WDcIfn53RCH9qOv3Tsnds7TepEWTbepY2Yrw9vsxzN_6dfD2OxJha4BzLYdOQ/s1600/IMAG0858+(640x361)+(2).jpg" height="120" width="320" /></a></div>
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Now, everything I've heard about India is that it's an intense experience that will touch every emotion, sense, and engage the imagination. I hear about the huge crowds of people, the smaller personal bubble that you must live with when there are that many people living in so little space. According to <a href="http://www.worldpopulationstatistics.com/india-population-2013/" target="_blank">World Population Statistics</a>, India's population is about 1001 people per square mile - that's compared to the United States' population, which is 88.6 people per square mile. So... lots of people, especially in the cities. With lots of people comes lots of noise, smells, things to see and taste. Add to that India's love of color and beauty, and you get the potential for being overwhelmed even if you don't have extra sensitivity to all of those things. Three of the four of us who are traveling together experience significant sensory sensitivity, so this will be interesting (I suspect the fourth does also, but does not show it).<br />
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As if the sensory overload isn't enough, India also presents an emotional challenge. We will be in big cities and smaller towns, and I've heard that poverty in India is inescapable. Even in making our travel plans, we've seen the incredibly low wages that people in India make (200 Rupees/day for our driver - that's about US$3.25). Contrast that to India's fascination with technology and the wealth that tech jobs bring, and I'm sure we're in for an emotional ride. If you want to read a heart-wrenching but lovely book about life in the Mumbai undercity, check out <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Behind-Beautiful-Forever-Katherine-Boo-ebook/dp/B004J4X7JO/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389981266&sr=8-1&keywords=behind+the+beautiful+forevers" target="_blank"><i>Behind the Beautiful Forevers</i> by Katherine Boo</a>.<br />
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We will see the most beautiful building in the world, and we will see slums. We will see palaces, forts, lakes and forests. We will see rail lines that go forever. We will see Hindu temples and Muslim mosques. We will see bazaars that extend beyond what the eye can see. We will hear and tell stories from times gone by as we seek out places we've only read about in history books and personal letters. We will see tragedy and beauty, melded together in a way that will make them almost interchangeable. This - all of this - is fodder for the imagination, and I'm sure the tales we live, and those we spin, will live on for years to come.<br />
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So for those of us who experience <a href="http://www.sengifted.org/archives/articles/overexcitability-and-the-gifted" target="_blank">overexcitabilities</a> anyway, this will be a fascinating experience. We have definitely padded our time there, to give spans of time for our senses and emotions to engage, process, and release what we are experiencing. I have my brightly colored kurti and even more brightly-colored shalwar kameez so I won't stand out (oh the irony!). Books have been read, itineraries planned, and bags are <i>almost </i>packed.<br />
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India is a place that has a huge place in my personal mythology and has been part of my imaginary world since I was a young child. Now it will become part of my real world, my life experience.<br />
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Oh how I love adventures.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6298827311570572827.post-76261786983348688032013-11-12T16:48:00.001-08:002013-11-12T16:48:10.292-08:00This is How We Homeschool<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgl2aR50CL4EGl0cZUzAG-FcekHfK0McRwyu9uS8jYDRTkaBvbXlMQE9mmYpYFniDDEfI5dCm2u3V17UvV-uRpnmJ_vbd5rBlf3o4GSgfXyG3idC4MCr3vx4oY6fz2XJjktNej9VhZBv4M/s1600/DSCN0009.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgl2aR50CL4EGl0cZUzAG-FcekHfK0McRwyu9uS8jYDRTkaBvbXlMQE9mmYpYFniDDEfI5dCm2u3V17UvV-uRpnmJ_vbd5rBlf3o4GSgfXyG3idC4MCr3vx4oY6fz2XJjktNej9VhZBv4M/s320/DSCN0009.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Teenlet doing physics problems.</td></tr>
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Since first grade, the Teenlet has used this spot, right here in the picture, to do his homework. It isn't a desk. It's not a table. This is the floor. There is a little step that goes from our family room up into the kitchen, and he uses the kitchen floor as his "desk." He leans up against the edge of the step with his stomach, which helps to comfort and focus him (it's a sensory stimulation thing). </div>
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This is one of the many reasons we homeschool. Most classrooms would not allow him to work on the floor, but it helps him concentrate (though Ms. Rushing did let him work on the floor in 2nd grade. Once she figured out how much it helped he didn't even have a desk in the classroom). </div>
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The Teenlet is taking two real for-sure classroom classes now, and we'll see how the whole "desk" situation works out for him. This is a step towards the next bigger step, which is in-person college courses. He needs to master the desk-work before he can get there. The college courses he is taking now are going smoothly, so we know that the academic level is appropriate. His high school physics and calculus classes have upped the work-load, and it is getting done (though slowly and not without some frustration at the <i>amount </i>of work they require), so we know he will be able to manage the workload of a rigorous college course. So classroom management skills - figuring out how to get that same sensory input without the step and the floor - will be the next major key to college readiness. </div>
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He's getting so close. </div>
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6298827311570572827.post-73395715076199574502013-09-22T17:00:00.000-07:002013-09-22T17:00:05.848-07:00If School Isn't Doing It, Who Can? The question often arises, from within groups or from individuals, about students who need additional "gifted" support at school, and how to help them if their school or district won't - or aren't able to - do it. For some it comes down to their child not scoring well on a standardized test, so they don't qualify for programming that does exist. For some, it's a school or district that doesn't offer gifted services. For others (as in our case), the services that are offered are not sufficient for the needs of the child. In any case, you end up feeling very alone as you try to figure out how to help this child rise up to his or her intellectual potential.<br />
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I recently had a conversation with a friend which started like this, </div>
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"I believe my friend's 12 year old son may be gifted but is slipping through the cracks. Apparently he is science wiz but is suffering in all other classes. They tested him at school for [the gifted program] and he did not score high enough. I was explaining to her that it sounds to me like he's bored. What's the next step in a situation like this? I've never met the kid but the idea that he may not achieve his full potential because a standardized test meant for his entire school didn't keep his attention keeps me up at night."</blockquote>
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My question to my friend in response to this was the topic of this post - "If school isn't doing it, who can?" Many parents aren't able to make the same choice we've made to homeschool, but certainly every parent can enlist the help of others who have interests similar to their child's, to help engage them in the topic on a level they won't get at school. If the child loves science, find a scientist who would mentor the child. If music is her passion, find an adult who also loves music and would be willing to hang out every so often to talk about composers or create music together. If history, who is it who loves history so much they can't help but turn every conversation into a story - and lesson - from the past?<br />
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If you don't know any of these people, check again at the school. Teachers and principals know other adults who love their subjects and would love to have a conversation on a completely different level with a student than what they have in their normal course of the classroom day. Churches, synagogues, or other places of worship also are a great source for finding mentoring relationships because they involve so many people with so many interests. If your child is beyond talking elementary-level biology, find a college student or professor with whom she can discuss a level deeper than what she is getting in her 4th grade biology class.<br />
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I can't tell you the difference these types of mentorships have made for my son. They've never been formalized, but he has really loved meeting people who know about the same things he knows about - and they want to talk about them! The soccer coach who was a biology major in college, with whom teenlet (then 2nd grade) could discuss photosynthesis while they kicked the ball around; the rock hound at church who would bring the teenlet rocks he found and they would talk about their characteristics together; the biology professor who welcomed us into her college classroom even though teenlet was then only 11; the pyrotechnics expert who showed the teenlet all about fireworks and blowing things up (safely). These have been formative relationships for the teenlet - even though none of them was an official "mentorship," they allowed the teenlet to discover something new about himself and about a field of study in which he was passionately interested.<br />
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Those relationships - each in their own way - helped keep him going when he was still in school and not getting the intellectual stimulation he needed otherwise. I am eternally grateful for those people who shared their interests with him and allowed him to be part of it. And I continue to look for those people to inject into my son's life to enrich his learning and his personal growth.<br />
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<b>Celebrating Gifted Education Awareness Week in Ireland, 2013</b></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6298827311570572827.post-37893168136410791952013-09-06T17:34:00.000-07:002013-09-06T17:34:40.349-07:00Our First Day of SchoolThe way we homeschool, the First Day of School really doesn't mean anything. It's some arbitrary day, set amongst many other similar days, in which you feel with some confidence that we have moved beyond <i>that</i> to <i>this</i>. It's not even grade-level marked, because grade-level means nothing in homeschooling. But it does mark a freshness, a newness that kids all over the world recognize. Except we don't go school shopping and don't have to take insane amounts of school supplies to drop off with the teacher. Instead, we buy books and online course registrations.<br />
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I think I've said before that we don't really take summers off, because the teenlet needs to continue learning. Boredom, according to professionals who have worked with him, is his greatest enemy. But this year, the teenlet wasn't completely on board with not getting a summer break. After all, his friends were available more frequently, and he wanted to be available when they were. This is a teenage characteristic, a sign of growth and maturation - the increasing importance of friends over family - and I want to support that maturation, even though they only play video games and that drives me crazy, especially on a nice summer day. It's the common bond they have; I don't want to break it.<br />
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So we made a deal - as he finished an online course, we would not start a new one to replace it, with the exception of the <a href="http://www.coursera.org/" target="_blank">Coursera</a> course he wanted to take that went through June and July. This was an experiment for us - this gradual lessening of coursework. And he never really got to zero.<br />
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Our experiment was a success. Granted, we had a rather amazing summer, with lots of visitors (international, and more local), with camps, and our family vacation to Alaska. So we didn't have very many days when something unique wasn't happening. He did not have a lot of opportunities for boredom.<br />
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And that made for an almost-real "first day of school" this week. I say almost, because he hasn't exactly finished Trigonometry - he still needs to take the final. And he started a new course through Coursera last week, and another new one this week. He will start Calculus later this month, and physics will start in October. Writing will come, too, when I figure out how I want to approach it. So I guess we're on a rolling start.<br />
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When most people ask what grade he's in, I say, "Chronologically, he's in 8th grade." Most people don't pursue it further, and that's fine with me. I don't really know how to explain why he's so far advanced in his courses without seeing "that look" in their eyes - that look that says they think I'm either making it up or completely delusional about his ability. So we just stick with 8th grade.<br />
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So, I guess you can say that we have moved beyond 7th grade, and entered into 8th. But that isn't really descriptive of anything in his case, except a number that only relates to how long he has spent on this earth and nothing about his experience or what he has learned.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6298827311570572827.post-71305399214398070562013-06-11T10:00:00.000-07:002013-06-11T10:00:04.358-07:00Challenge and Frustration<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I'm not a psychologist or expert in education, but over the years I've learned a few things about that razor's edge between challenging my gifted child, and frustrating him. </div>
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<b>100% is not a good sign.</b> I know, we all love to see those perfect scores. But in all honesty, 100% isn't a great thing. In most cases, it means that the material was not challenging enough to cause the student to struggle to answer the questions. Until I got to college, A-grades came easily for me. In high school, I generally studied for tests in the class prior, finished tonight's homework during class, and read <i>maybe</i> a third of the assigned reading (I became really good at skimming). This could be a scathing report on the quality of the education I received, but it was the same in two different school districts, so I think had more to do with a gifted child who was lacking in sufficient challenge. School was easy - until college. College was a shock to me; I had to do <u>all </u>the homework, pay attention to the <u>whole</u> lecture, and read <u>all </u>the assigned readings! Kudos to my professors who recognized that I wasn't stupid or lazy, I just needed to learn some study skills - and they helped me learn them. Despite a 3.97 GPA in high school, I had never needed them before. Perfect doesn't leave any room for challenge.</div>
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I see this in the teenlet as well - he loves to score 100% on a math test or chemistry assignment, after all, who doesn't like to be perfect? But I have to admit that I'm glad he doesn't do it all the time. Because I know that he needs to keep learning, and learning has a challenging edge to it. </div>
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<b>When the tears come or the anxiety rises, the first place I look is at the level of challenge he is facing.</b> The teenlet's weakest subject has always been writing - it's been a real struggle from day one. The physical act of writing is hard, for sure, but even the process of getting ideas down on paper is a struggle. And writing assignments are always where his biggest meltdowns begin, when it all becomes too much and he turns into a puddle of words. He will sit in front of the computer, literally, for 3-4 hours, and have four words on the page. This is after his topic is chosen, research done, ideas are formed, and even an outline written - all that's left to do is turn his ideas into sentences and sentences into paragraphs. We know now that we have to take this process very slowly, break it down into smaller bits, and keep him moving forward. Because it is <i>hard</i> for him. He needs to learn it, but we can't push too hard or he will fall apart and we lose the opportunity to learn something. You see, <b>when something is TOO challenging, learning stops</b>.<br />
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<i>PS. As he gets older, he is managing this MUCH better now than he used to, and his writing is coming more fluently and freely - see, learning! But we're taking it SLOWLY.</i></div>
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<b>Keep the learning coming.</b> As you can see, too little or too much challenge is a hindrance to true learning. And, if we know one thing about teenlet, it is that he <i>has</i> to keep learning. But it is a tricky balance to try to keep, to make sure what he's learning is appropriate in content and difficulty.<br />
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But it's hard to tell sometimes with the teenlet - if he isn't doing well, is it because he isn't attending to the work (another sign it may be too easy)? Or is it too hard and he can't manage it? </div>
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A while back, I signed the teenlet up for a college-level cryptography course. It sounded really interesting, and he's done a lot of learning about cryptography (think Enigma, secret codes, deciphering, etc), so we both thought it would be awesome. It wasn't. It really was a course on computer security, and it was waaaaaay over his head because he hadn't done anything on a computer except for basic word processing and playing a few games. I was so proud of him when he came to me and told me he didn't want to continue the course. I asked him why, and he said because it was too hard and it was frustrating him because he didn't know any computer coding and that's what they were talking about. So he dropped the course and started learning computer languages so next time he'd be ready. That was wise because he knew that we'd crossed over that line and it was beyond him, and we needed to pull it back. But the coolest part, I thought, was that he started taking action so he could understand what they were talking about in that class - and that's when you know that even though you've hit the edge of his ability, he's still being challenged. It made him think. And get ideas. And see something he needed to know and learn. </div>
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<b><i>And isn't that what it's all about? </i></b></div>
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<a href="http://ultranet.giftededucation.org.nz/WebSpace/874/" style="text-align: center;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWtF16J9Y-Ia2pOY4eIY1R5olUd9vvxQot0K8v6pwe-QrlyS3N5J_kdDny5P-SuCLBL8nPVQSshe2eVg_BwdvOvVv-VaIEPBfG9OTP0OGR-dIZAihVPTaDLaZSI2-O1zsg6XAtHw0wD3o/s1600/blogtour2.png" /></a><br />
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">This post is part of the New Zealand Gifted Awareness Week Blog Tour. Please click the picture above to visit the many fantastic posts included in the tour!</span></i></div>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6298827311570572827.post-89630341420974032152013-03-18T07:00:00.000-07:002013-03-18T07:47:03.530-07:00We Unschool (well sorta), What's Your SuperPower?There's lots of talk about unschooling for gifted students, and definitely there is an aspect of unschooling that is ideal for this type of learner. Even with the teenlet, you can see it happen - when something clicks just in the right interest area, when he discovers something he wants to pursue more, when he jumps in and is trying to figure out the answer to a question - that is when unschooling is at its best.<br />
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Our version of homeschooling is definitely a hybrid. The teenlet isn't all that self-motivated, so we haven't gone fully unschooling, but he does love to learn and every so often will go off on a tangent that leaves us (his parents) standing agape, utterly startled at his passion. But mostly he just does the minimum amount of work with which he can get away.<br />
<br />
There is something about unschooling that just seems so right for this kind of learner. Learning is organic for him - it just happens. If I didn't know better, I might think he was sleeping with textbooks under his pillow and gaining all that knowledge by osmosis. One day he doesn't know something and the next he does. He comes out with completely random and bizarre knowledge and I have no idea from where it came.<br />
<br />
These moments remind me of the time, when he was a toddler not even 1-1/2 years old, on an airplane. The elementary-aged kid who was sitting in the seat in front of the then-toddler teenlet had turned around and was entertaining him with funny faces and talking to him. So, as any good parent would do when faced with not having to entertain their child for a few moments, I pulled out my book. I have no idea how it started, but pretty soon I was aware of this older kid saying,<br />
"so what comes after one?"<br />
"TWO!"<br />
"what comes after two?"<br />
"FWEE!"<br />
"after three?"<br />
"FOUR!"<br />
...and so on all the way to seven.<br />
<br />
I had no idea how he'd learned that. None. At all. He'd never watched Sesame Street. I hadn't been playing with flash cards or trying to teach him numbers. I wasn't even sure how he'd been exposed to the idea of numbers. Daddy is a numbers-guy, but I was pretty sure he hadn't started trying to teach him that either. We were both flabbergasted. (And yes, that's a very cool word that I really enjoyed typing right there.) Something in him had learnt that without anyone ever teaching it to him.<br />
<br />
He did the same with algebra. In kindergarten. DH asked him to solve a simple, two-digit addition problem. The 5yo teenlet looked at him for a little while, then told him the answer. DH asked how he did it - and the teenlet explained how he had solved for x (without using those terms, of course) - something we'd never taught him. He figured it out on his own. And darn it if the kid isn't STILL doing algebra in his head even though we're far past the level that most people start using calculators to help them with the computations.<br />
<br />
So, it's very tempting to let him unschool. He seems to learn more and better that way. But there is still a part of me that wants to be sure he's got most of his basic subjects covered, which won't happen if we let him loose completely. So, we are creating a hybrid system. He's got most of his academic requirements for high school completed, and only has bazillion or so elective credits to work on. So he continues to work on core math and science subjects, but with lots of freedom in his social studies and writing curricula, adding in other subjects of interest (like computer science) as he wants to learn them. And we find that, as he gains more freedom in his learning, he gains more confidence and more motivation as well.<br />
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<b>Unschooling Blog Hop</b><br />
(see the full list at <a href="http://giftedhomeschoolers.org/blogs/blog-hop/" target="_blank">Gifted Homeschoolers Forum</a>)<br />
<a href="http://www.cedarlifeacademy.com/blog/2013/everyone-deserves-a-childhood-unschooling-gifted-kids/" target="_blank">CedarLife Academy</a><br />
<a href="http://chasinghollyfeld.com/2013/03/18/i-am-not-a-teacher/" target="_blank">Chasing Hollyfield</a><br />
<a href="http://buildingwingspan.blogspot.com/2013/03/im-not-unschoolerbut.html" target="_blank">Building Wingspan</a><br />
<a href="http://theasullivan.com/how-unschooling-saved-us-sort-of/" target="_blank">Thea Sullivan</a><br />
<a href="http://buffalomama.wordpress.com/2013/03/11/unschooling/" target="_blank">Buffalo Mama</a><br />
<a href="http://wendasheard.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">Wenda Sheard</a><br />
<a href="http://www.creativitypost.com/education/unschooling_and_the_benefits_of_unstructured_time_-_part_1" target="_blank">Sui Generis</a><br />
<a href="http://redwhiteandgrew.com/2013/03/18/reflections-on-unschooli/" target="_blank">Red, White and Grew</a><br />
<a href="http://laughingatchaos.com/2013/03/18/between-homeschooling-and-unschooling/" target="_blank">Laughing at Chaos</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6298827311570572827.post-23704485526682563932013-02-23T23:02:00.001-08:002013-02-26T07:58:48.575-08:00Gifted is About the Starting Point<i>"Mindset is about trajectory, not starting point. Gifted is about the starting point."</i><br />
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I said this the other day on #gtchat when someone referenced Carol Dweck's theory of Mindset. Because I totally believe this is true. Gifted is about wiring, plain and simple. It's where you start out. Your mindset is what you do with it. Dweck's research supports that if you believe that you can change your intelligence level, you will do so. But believing that your intelligence is static will only cause you to lose ground. It's the hard-work theory, and it has a lot of merit. Because if you don't work hard, it really doesn't matter how smart you are. There is someone who may have a lesser IQ but is willing to work - and they will get the job every time. They will win the award. They will earn the research grant. Because excellence takes work.<br />
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I don't disagree with that at all.<br />
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But now we have Seth Godin, guru of life principles, saying that <a href="http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2013/02/goestheotherway.html" target="_blank">we're all gifted</a> - all it takes is a little work. And that, my friends, is just not true.<br />
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He says,<br />
<br />
"Actually, it goes the other way<br />
Wouldn't it be great to be gifted? In fact...<br />
It turns out that choices lead to habits.<br />
Habits become talents.<br />
Talents are labeled gifts.<br />
You're not born this way, you get this way."<br />
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No Seth, gifted is born. It's not about being the smartest person in the class, it's about experiencing the world qualitatively differently than most people. Many of our most gifted individuals probably don't even look like they are gifted - they don't look like the high achievers of which you speak.<br />
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If you walked into a classroom with the teenlet in it, most likely you would not pick him out as the "gifted" one. You certainly wouldn't look at his work product and say he's gifted - most likely he wouldn't have any work product for you to see. He's not what most people think of when they think of the super-scholar IQ nerd. Yeah, his IQ is high, but "gifted" is his ability to manipulate mass amounts of information to create new ways of seeing things. "Gifted" is the ripples of intensity that turn to waves of emotion at the smallest unsettlement of his world. "Gifted" is the way he paces when he thinks, around and around and around until he stops, and you can see in his eyes that he's solved whatever problem he was working on. "Gifted" is being so aware of the problems in the world that they seem to big to fix, causing an existential crisis of middle age proportions when you're 5. "Gifted" is hearing, seeing, smelling, tasting, touching things that others just pass by. "Gifted" is being able to carry on a college-level conversation on underwater photosynthesis when you're 7 years old, but have emotional meltdowns like a 3 year old. "Gifted" is having adult thoughts, but not having the emotional maturity to deal with them.<br />
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Yes, maybe many readers of Godin's blog will rethink their lives and see how they can change their trajectory. I hope it works that way for those who need it. <br />
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But don't assume that because your trajectory has changed, that means your starting point was the same. Giftedness is about neurological wiring. It's not about elitism. It's not about being super talented at stuff (although many gifted people are quite talented because of their in-born sensitivities). It's not about grades or eminence or becoming a Nobel Prize winner - these are trajectory.<br />
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Mindset is about trajectory, not starting point. Giftedness is about the starting point.<br />
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Other responses to Godin's post:<br />
<a href="http://buildingwingspan.blogspot.com/2013/02/what-seth-godin-doesnt-understand-about.html" target="_blank">Building Wing Span</a><br />
<a href="http://buildingwingspan.blogspot.com/2013/02/what-seth-godin-doesnt-understand-about.html" target="_blank">Watch Out for Gifted People</a><br />
<a href="http://redwhiteandgrew.com/2013/02/23/what-seth-godin-doesnt-get-about-gifted/" target="_blank">Red, White & Grew</a><br />
<a href="http://giftedandtalented.ie/index.php/2013/02/24/sething-it-all-wrong/" target="_blank">Gifted and Talented Ireland</a><br />
<a href="http://www.katearmsroberts.com/seth-godin-pissed-my-friends-off-and-he-was-wrong-too/" target="_blank">Kate Arms-Roberts</a><br />
<a href="http://www.giftedresources.org/jo/blog/?p=4067" target="_blank">Gifted Resources/Sprite's Site</a><br />
<a href="http://laughingatchaos.com/2013/02/25/actually-mr-godin-we-are-born-this-way/" target="_blank">Laughing at Chaos</a><br />
<a href="http://ramblingsofagiftedteacher.wordpress.com/2013/02/26/seth-just-doesnt-get-it/" target="_blank">Ramblings of a Gifted Teacher</a><br />
<a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/creative-synthesis/201302/actually-it-goes-both-ways" target="_blank">Psychology Today/Creative Synthesis</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6298827311570572827.post-33152106985225103782013-01-05T10:23:00.000-08:002013-01-05T10:23:47.291-08:00Parenting Against Your NatureI'm generally not a very structured person. I like flexibility; I like change; I like spontaneity. I'm one of those people who wants to wake up every day and go do something new. When I was a child, I rearranged my room at least once a month for the novelty of it. Rules have always been more like suggestions (not laws - I'm a stickler for laws); if I know why the rule was set and those conditions don't apply, why bother? I live in a world with many shades of grey - people and ideas deserve unique consideration according to their circumstances. Grace and love are my guiding principles - I don't judge others harshly (myself, yes - I judge myself VERY harshly), but recognize that everyone is different and it's okay to be that way.<br />
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<b>But parenting the teenlet well, means I have to be structured.</b> We set the house rules and never break them. When I say no, he won't ever get a yes out of me (doesn't mean he doesn't try!). When he was younger, even a rearranged room would upset him ("Mommy, you rearranged the furniture! My perfect life is RUINED!" age 3). Oh yes, we've had our moments of "Let's go do X" - and he has learned to adapt and transition in those times quite well. But, even with all of mommy's hugs and reassurances, he still has to learn the lessons of life. And I know that, as much as I'd love to cushion the fall for him, he needs to feel the impact of his decisions. NOW, when they are still small. Because as he gets older, stupid decisions have greater implications. I have to allow him to make his mistakes and learn from them, even when it would be so easy for me to make excuses for late schoolwork, try to patch things up for him with his friends after an argument, or clean up his messes. That would be easier for me, for sure - I hate seeing him suffer through the consequences of his actions. But he needs to learn these things now. It's so easy to fix things in the name of love - but is it really loving to never give him the chance to learn from his mistakes?<br />
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<b>It's oppressive to have to parent in a way against which your own nature rebels</b>. It's worse for me than for him. He gets his security blanket of knowing what is expected, and what to expect. I get wrapped up tight and can't breathe. I get stuck in a drudging routine like a car stuck in mud - wheels spinning but can't get traction. Everything slows down. Boredom. Routine. Blah. I have to seek out ways to find newness and refreshment at the same time I am being the hard-nosed, structured parent. He needs that parent, and that parent needs freedom, independence, and flexibility.<br />
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As he is getting older, I can let the structure go a little more (whew!). As he learns responsibility, he gets more freedom. And so do I. There are still times when I have to lock-down tight, allowing the teenlet to learn his lessons on his own. But he is learning those lessons, and each time he does the world opens up a little more. For both of us.<br />
<br />I might even rearrange a room.<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6298827311570572827.post-12128286821059685352012-12-16T21:35:00.001-08:002012-12-16T21:35:13.758-08:00With a Heavy HeartThis has been a rather brutal week. Between some personal family changes that have required me to have some very emotionally difficult conversations with people I love dearly, a certain teenlet officially becoming a teenager, some acute health problems (including trips to Urgent Care and the ER), and then little babies being senselessly killed in Connecticut - my heart is very heavy. I'm wavering between being unable to breathe and weeping uncontrollably.<br />
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It's not hard to imagine that the teenlet picks up on this. Despite his outward demeanor of not caring (a very carefully constructed defense mechanism of his), the teenlet has a very sensitive heart. During an emotionally-charged scene in a movie, I look over at him through my tears and see his eyes brimming, too. He still gets weepy when you bring up the death of our cat - that happened in 2008. Certain songs have been known to bring him to full emotional meltdown. I fear his reaction the first time he reads <i>Old Yeller</i>, <i>Watership Down</i>, or <i>Where the Red Fern Grows</i> - so I haven't suggested those books to him.<br />
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But he was watching the news on Friday. He loves watching the news each morning, so when I got up and he was laying on the couch with <i>Good Morning America</i> on the television, I didn't really think much about it. But then I began to hear the story unfolding, and I was horrified. And my little boy (ahem, teenager) was sitting there, taking it all in. He didn't say a word. At 9am when the news was over, he turned the television off and got himself dressed, and then went to work on his school work. He took a test. He wrote a paper. He listened to online lectures. He didn't say a word about Connecticut.<br /><br />But he hugged me a lot that day. And the next. And the next.<br />
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Talking to a bright and emotionally sensitive child about incomprehensible tragedy can be a challenge. They need reassurance, but not empty promises of safety and security that they know you can't keep. They need to know why - but so do most of us and we really never figure it out. They feel a deep need to DO something, and a sense of helplessness that the problems are so big.<br />
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The best you can do is to ask them questions - what do you think about this? How does this make you feel? What is going on in your heart? What would you do? Help them plan how they would react if a friend confided in them that they had a plan to hurt someone. Help them decide ways they <u>can</u> help - can they reach out to someone who gets bullied at school? Can they raise money at their school to help the families of the victims? Can they identify someone who might need a little extra help, and offer it?<br />
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Your child will benefit most from being able to talk through all the emotions they are feeling. I know it's hard when you are feeling overwhelmed as well - but in my experience, it helps me, too, to talk to the teenlet about these things. It helps me to process as we are processing together. And it gives me hope that this little part of the next generation sees value in life (even though he is a teenage boy and obsessed with guns and weapons of war).<br />
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And give them lots of hugs.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6298827311570572827.post-90845241196563817772012-12-04T13:48:00.000-08:002012-12-04T13:48:43.792-08:00I Love Books<b><span style="font-size: large;">Reading is awesome. </span></b>Our whole family really loves to read. The teenlet reads faster than any other person I know. Hubby and I aren't slow readers ourselves. We have bookshelves in every room in the house - and books piled on the floor and every surface they can find. My Kindle makes me happy.<br />
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<b>The thing I like so much about reading is that it allows you entry into another world.</b> Fiction (my personal fave) allows you to become part of a world you might never encounter in any other way, whether it's hiding in the hills of Tibet, surviving on yak cheese and terrified of the spirit gods; or in 19th century England, solving the mystery of who is this Anne Catherick. Historical non-fiction and biographies provide insight into a time, a place, or a person that can guide our decisions today and tomorrow. Religious books can provide spiritual guidance to the devout, opening windows to God and your heart to love. Self-help books can give you psychological insights in an effort to strengthen your inner world or heal from past hurts. Parenting books offer perspectives on helping our children become the strong, well-rounded, emotionally secure individuals who are successful (whatever that means) and happy adults. There are many, many more genres that I haven't mentioned that are equally as constructive and/or fun to read. Bottom line is: I just love to read. Reading is an easy pathway to information. And information is my friend.<br />
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<b>Which is why it is so weird that I have such a hard time reading parenting books</b>, especially those having to do with giftedness and intensity. What I've read have been fabulous, and I have a gadzillion others in my "to-read" pile. I've learned a lot from what I've read. I've met (virtually, at least) many of the authors and they are fabulous people. I continue to buy new books on giftedness, knowing that knowledge is power, and the more I know the more I can help my child and others who are struggling with their own giftedness/gifted children. Oh, and myself, too.<br />
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I think that's the thing that keeps me from opening those books - the more I learn for the teenlet, the more connected I become with my own giftedness. It's disconcerting. I'm old enough and I've managed to get this far in life without knowing all this stuff, and it's a little upsetting to take a look back through life and see all these markers I didn't know were supposed to be telling me anything. The more I learn to help my child, the more in touch with my own intensities I become. And that is at once freeing and frustrating. How wonderful to realize that I'm not a freak of nature - all of this stuff is there for a reason. But it's also frustrating because as I'm learning about it, it takes on this new life that has been hidden all these years.<br />
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But I keep reading. I pick up those books less frequently than others, but I still pick them up. I put them down for longer periods as I readjust to new realities, new images, new ideas about why we are the way we are (these are usually things the teenlet and I have strongly in common, since our intensities are nearly identical). I read them because <b>the better I understand myself, the better I can understand my child. </b>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6298827311570572827.post-56071204329005632872012-11-26T07:59:00.001-08:002012-11-26T07:59:29.635-08:00On Being Thankful - guest post at An Intense LifeHey all... I've got a guest post over at <a href="http://christinefonseca.wordpress.com/2012/11/26/on-being-thankful-a-guest-post-from-mona-chicks/" target="_blank">An Intense Life</a> today. Come on over and check it out!Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6298827311570572827.post-73304096371433955542012-11-21T09:33:00.000-08:002012-11-21T09:33:27.106-08:00When Good OEs Go BadNews Flash: I am not a perfect parent.<br />
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Whew, got that out of my system. Hope you all heard that. I'm not perfect. Sometimes I lose my patience. Sometimes I make the wrong decision. Sometimes it's all I can do to manage my own feelings, and I just can't sit there and help the teenlet manage his. If you are a gifted adult with a gifted child, you know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about managing my <i>own </i>intensity.<br />
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Over the years, I've figured out ways to cope with feelings of being overwhelmed, frustrated, and having my feelings hurt. But there are still those times when I've got multiple things going on that I'm managing and then someone says just the wrong thing and it sends me over the metaphorical edge. Then nothing works, none of my coping skills are enough.<br />
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Last week was one of those weeks. There was nothing I could do to keep my own OEs from sending out warning shots to anyone who came near. My body was on constant high alert, my brain panicking and racing, my senses picking up every little tiny thing (and then the anxiety-prone brain converting it all into self-immolating signals). It's exhausting. And then I have a child who picks up on all of MY anxiety and stress, and it sends him whirling off into his own OE space! Can you say, over-excitability? Oh we can. We definitely can.<br />
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What do you do when your own OEs are threatening revolt, but you know that your child needs you to remain calm, cool, and collected? How do you handle the subsequent meltdowns and arguments? Especially when you cannot get away for some R&R to take care of yourself?<br />
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For me, exercise really helps. And yoga. And just picking up a book and reading for a while (preferably with music in headphones so I can really tune out). It's more than the endorphins that exercise produces in your brain - there's something about pushing my body to its limit that lightens the OE load immensely. I think in occupational therapy-land, they call it "proprioception" - the sense in your joints and large muscle groups. Whatever it is, it helps. And I really, really appreciate the fact that my life allows me to exercise daily now. Because even in weeks like last week (when the LAST thing I wanted to do was add one more daily chore of exercise) I knew I needed it, and it kept me going and kept me from snapping out of control, and gave me just enough reserve to help the teenlet manage himself (although he's getting SOOOOO much better at doing it on his own!).<br />
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I'd love to hear your ideas - what helps you?<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6298827311570572827.post-74121227177843461292012-10-30T10:21:00.000-07:002012-10-30T10:21:35.258-07:00Welcome to Adolescence. Please Keep Hands and Legs Inside the Vehicle at All Times.As the munchkin, erm, teenlet, has been maturing, we've been seeing fewer and fewer full meltdowns. This is a good thing.<br />
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Over the years, I've told myself that the adolescent years MUST be easier than what we've already been through - yes, still challenging in their own way, I'm not a fool - but we've been through so much with this child already it seems teenager-dom is just another stage to take in stride and make it through, all while trying to enjoy the young man he is becoming and instill our values in his ever-morphing sense of self.<br />
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The food bill has gone up exponentially. The clothing bill the same - he now has zero pajamas that "fit", and the pants that were fine yesterday are too short today. We took him to the doctor for a checkup last week and he'd gained more weight in the past year than he had in the previous 5 years, combined. His voice sounds like he's got two voiceboxes in there that are competing for airtime, especially when he laughs it's like a duet coming out of the same throat.<br />
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And he's not yet 13. It's only going to speed up from here.<br />
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But, as I said in my opening statement, the meltdowns have reduced significantly as he has become better able to manage his emotions on his own. This is welcome. This is so very welcome. This is like when the power comes back on after 13 days of having none. Suddenly the whole world seems more manageable, and while you know you can handle anything now - you're oh so very glad you don't have to.<br />
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However, "better" is a relative term. Sure, they don't happen daily any more. But when they do happen, they are startling in their power. Perhaps more so, because they aren't as frequent so it's easy to forget. Like those mama hormones after you have a baby that make you forget how horrible that whole experience just was. And, just to add a little spice to our day - those adolescent hormones start to kick in and add a new dimension to the emotional intensity. WOO HOO we're in for a ride, baby!<br />
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Bring it. After what we've been through, I feel like I can handle anything - teenage years included.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6298827311570572827.post-89628029743335891702012-09-26T20:37:00.000-07:002012-09-26T20:41:49.976-07:00Making Decisions<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">People who know me personally will tell you that I make decisions pretty quickly and decisively. Highly intuitive, I can almost always tell you what my decision will be before you're even done asking the question. As I've gotten older, I do tend to wait a little just so it doesn't look like I'm not even considering it. It's not like I can't be persuaded to change my mind, but it doesn't happen often. Gut rules all. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My husband is the exact opposite. He is also very intuitive, but he weighs everything. He guesses and second-guesses. He told me once that he continues to second-guess his decisions even after they've been made - sometimes for years. He then hastily told me that he's NEVER second-guessed his decision to marry me. I think that was in response to the furrowing he saw in my forehead.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So generally, I think we make some pretty good decisions between the two of us. I make him decide a bit more quickly and trust himself more, and he slows me down and makes me think things through a little bit more than I would naturally. My gut and his logic have done us well. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">All bets are off, though, when it comes to the teenlet. Especially where his education is concerned. When faced with a decision to make, both of us sit there, completely incapable of making headway. We can talk the issues through until we've exhausted every option and thought, but to come to a decision has us stymied. Because it seems like every educational decision we've made for him up to this point has been the wrong one, with one exception. But in every case, we did what we truly thought was the best course of action. Looking back, we don't really see how we could have made a different choice given the parameters within which we were working. But somehow it's been wrong. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Except homeschooling.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This makes us very leery of making any more decisions regarding his education. But we are faced now with another educational decision - put him back in school at the strong suggestion of a knowledgeable and trusted counselor? Or continue to homeschool? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Neither of us wants to even face the question. DH's comment, when I said that I didn't want to make another bad decision, was, "it's too late for that." Is this another case of damned if you do, damned if you don't? Sure seems like it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But in the beautiful innocence of childhood, when I asked the teenlet if he would like to look into this particular high school, he said, "sounds interesting!"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So I guess he can start making some of his own decisions now. We will still have to guide him and help him think through his options, but he can be part of the process instead of having to only live with the result. And that makes me feel better about making a decision. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We'll keep an eye on his anxiety level as we look more closely at what going to high school might mean (would be a one- or two-grade skip, easy for him since he's already done both of those grades at home), and would mean that he would have to start using some of those coping skills we've been working on so diligently. It means he needs to start caring about his grades, and work hard on learning to express himself in writing, and verbally when he's upset or overstimulated.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But if he wants to go, it won't do him any good to keep him back. </span><br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com